

The Lady Barber 



1 i^. 




THE DRAMATIC PUBLISHING COMPANY 



CAST OF CHARACTERS. 

Peter Billions.... Bob Slavin. 

Busby— A broken down speculator r Frank Dumont. 

Elegant Spruce— A dude Ed. French. 

Mr& Hayseed George Powers. 

Plays twenty minutes. 



Copyright, 1897, by the Dramatic Publishing Company, Chicago. 

Notice.— The professional acting rights of this play are reserved by 
the publishers, from whom written permission must be obtained before 
performance. All persons giving unauthorized productions will be 
prosecuted to the full extent of the law. This notice does not apply to 
amateurs, who may perform the play without permission. 



THPS6--007223 




'THE LADY BARBER." 



Scene. — Plain chamber door in fiat R. Papered window in 
flat L. Barber's chair R. C. Table with 7jiugs. Large bowl 
of lather and brush. Large razor and razor strop on wall. 
Bottle of seltzer and various articles on a table c. to denote 
barber shop business. Placards on wall " shaving, lo cents." 
"Bay rum, extra " "Shampoo, 25 cents." Busby discovered 
at chair and while speaking hangs his coat on wall.'\ 

Busby. There's no use trying to keep this barber shop open 
any longer. I'm losing money daily and see but one chance to 
get back my old customers and attract new ones, and that is to 
engage a lady barber. That would be a new idea and it would 
attract everybody to my shop. A beautiful girl to shave the 
gents— capital idea, but it can't be carried out. I've advertised 
every day for a lady barber but so far none have applied for the 
position. [Peter Billions with whitewash bucket enters and 
glances around walls.] 

Peter. Is this the place that wants whitewashing, or ain't it 
the place that don't want it ? 

Busby. I haven't sent for any whitewasher. Who are you 
anyway ? I don't know you. 

Peter. I don't know you either and I don't want to know 
you either — you mind your business and I'll mind yours. Good 
day. [Going.] 

Busby. Wait — stop a moment. 

Peter. Is this the place I'm to whitewash ? 

Busby. No — but I can give you a better job, come here. 
[Aside.] Here's an idea. I can fool the public and pass this 
fellow off as a lady barber. 

Peter. Well, here I am ; what do you want of me ? 

Busby. I want to engage you to work in this shop. I'll 
give you five dollars a week. 

5 



6 " THE LADY BARBER." 

Peter. All right — give it to me and I'll hire you to work 
for me right away. 

Busby. No — you don't understand me. I want to hire j^ou 
to work for me. 

Peter. It don't make any difference to me who does the 
work, as long as you do it. 

Busby. Now let us understand each other thoroughly. I 
engage you to work in this barber shop at a salary of five dol- 
lars per week. 

Peter. Well, give it to me — don't stand there talking about 
it all day. 

Busby. Then you want the money in advance ? 

Peter. Yes. Then I know who's got it. 

Busby. Very well. Then here's your money. [Gives 
money.] 

Peter. Now you're talking business — now what am I to do ? 
whitewash ? 

Busby. No sir. I want you to be a lady barber. 

Peter. A lady what ? 

Busby. A lady — a lady to attend to my shop. 

Peter. [Going.] Good day. 

Busby. But hold on. You've got my money. 

Peter. I know I have. That's all right. You know I've 
got it and that's all yoti need know. I'm no lady — and I ain't 
going to be one for five dollars a week. 

Busby. Come back here — you don't understand me. I 
don't want you to be a real lady only make believe you are 
one. 

Peter. There are too many make-believe ladies in this city 
now. 

Busby. I'm going to furnish the dress and you'll make be- 
lieve that you are a lady — and attend to my customers. You 
will shave them and be polite and affable. 

Peter. Laughable ? Do I laugh at them ? 

Busby. No — you are polite and pleasing. 

Peter. Oh, I see. I do as I please. Well, where's the 
dress ? 

Busby. Here it is. [Obtains dress-jacket, blonde wig and 
hoops ^ Here it is. Now put it on. First of all put away 
that whitewash bucket. [Peter examines articles closely.] 

Peter. All the stuff isn't here is it ? 

Busby. That's all you need to dress like a lady. That's all 
I've got to give you. , 

Peter. All right. I'll have to make one myseli. [Makes 



" THE LADY BARBER. 7 

bustle out of his coat, tying the sleeves around his laaist.] 
Don't I look better now ? 

Busby. Hurry up and dress in case some of my customers 
should come into the shop. 

Peter. Well, keep them out until the lady finishes her " twi- 
light." \PiUs hoops around his neck, tying the bajid around 
throat?^ 

Busby. No — no — that won't do. Tie the band around your 
waist. 

Peter. Around my waist ? How ^ot you know? 

Busby. You never mind — do as I tell you. [Peter fixes 
hoops correctly atid puts on dress. Thett wig on wrong. 
Busby corrects it. Then the jacket or basque. Goes to mirror 
and powders his face, ad lib. 1^ 

Busby. Come — hurry up — what are you doing ? 

Peter. Doing what a lady does — powdering my face. 
[Cotnes c] How do I look ? 

Busby. Splendid ! Now let's see you walk like a lady. 
[Peter strides across stage.'] No — no — that won't do — walk 
something like this. [Mincing gait.] 

Peter. That's very good. You put on this dress. 

Busby. No — I've hired you. Try to walk as I show you. 
[Peter imitates lady's walk, exposing leg of white pants.] 

Busby. The dress — a trifle lower please. 

Peter. No. I'm crossing a muddy street. 

Busby. Well — you are partially instructed in appearance. 
Now you must be polite to the gents who call to be shaved. 
Say to them, " will you get shaved sir ? Have your head 
shampooed ? " And to a good-looking young man be extremely 
polite, sigh, smile and giggle. 

Peter. Giggle ? I can't giggle. 

Busby. You must try to giggle. \^t\,^X giggles ha! ha! ha ! ] 

Peter. How's that for a giggle ? 

Busby. That will do. Now remember you shave and charge 
ten cents — and you will charge five cents extra for bay rum. If 
you need change just call me — I'll be in the next room. Remem- 
ber, be polite and above all things, a lady. [Busby ex. L. 
Peter gazes after him and laughs.] 

Peter. Here's a nice situation. Play lady for five dollars a 
week. I can't shave anybody. I never shaved anybody in my 
life. I carry a razor but I don't shave with it. I cut with it. 
[Enter Dude — bows to Peter who curtseys and bows up and 
down stage ad lib. Peter chucks him under chift.] 

Peter. [Giggling.] Well, young man — what do you want ? 



8 /'THE LADY BARBER." 

Dude. I heard there was a pretty lady barber over here, and 
my dear miss — I want to get shaved. And this dear* moustache 
of mine wants curhng. 

Peter. {^Imitates his voiceJ] Sit in that chair and I'll curl 
your moustache ! [Dude sits in chair. Peter puts towel 
about his neck, chokes Dude in tyijtg it. Dude struggles to 
get out but ^eter forces him back into chair. '\ 

Peter. Sit still or I'll step on you. Now my dear Dudie, 
pay in advance. 

Dude. How much is it, my dear ? 

Peter. Dollar and a half. 

Dude. Isn't that exorbitant ? 

Peter. No, it's a dollar and a half and hand it to me mighty 
quick. {Bus. Dude pays money. Peter raises dress to put 
money in trousers' pocket. Dude observes the act and Peter 
looks bashful. Peter takes razor and strops it — tests razor 
and thett takes lather bowl and lathers the Dude's/<3;r^. He 
tries to get out of chair but Peter keeps hifn in it. Takes razor 
and shaves one side of DixA.e 8 face and looks around to wipe 
razor. Sees the coat on wall and wipes razor on it. Bust)y 
rushes in from L.] 

Busby. Here you rascal. That's my coat. [Peter dabs the 
lather brush into Busby's/^'-^^ and chases him out L. Busby 
sputtering and threatening Peter. Peter then dabs the brush 
on Dude's /<^^^ as if unconscious of the act while gazing after 
Busby> and going back to chair. Dude jumps out of chair L. 
'2^\)^X forces him back.] 

Peter. Hold up — don't you want some Bay rum ? 

Dude. No, I don't want any Bay rum. 

Peter. You paid for it, and you must have it. [Turns 
seltzer bottle upon Dude^s/^^^. I^vAa gasps and rushes out 
in great anger. Busby runs in from L.] 

Busby. How dare you act in such a manner. 

Peter. How dare you tell a lady barber her business. 

Busby. You'll drive my customers away. 

Peter. Shut up. You talk as if you owned this place, get 
out of here. [Turns seltzer bottle stream upon Busby 'iifho 
exits in towering passion.] 

Peter. I'll show him who runs this barber shop. I'm a lady, 
I am, and don't you forget it. [Woman with twin babies enters 
door.] 

Woman. Are you the lady barber ? 

Peter. Yes ma'am — what do you want ? Do you want your 
bangs cut ? 



"THE LADV BARBER.*' 9 

Woman. No, I want to buy some isoap to use on my chil- 
dren's heads for dandruff. 

Peter. Well — we've got some nice flea soap. 

Woman. I don't care what it is as lone: as it can cure dand- 
ruff. 

Peter. All right — one dollar please. Always pay in ad- 
vance. [Woman pays money, and Peter places babies in the 
chair, and stirs lather.'] 

Woman. You'll be very careful of them, Miss ? 

Peter. I won't miss them. Which one of them has got the 
most dandruff ? 

Woman. That one. [Peter lathers the one iftdicated — 
Woman interferes. Peter tells her to mind her own business. 
He lathers the baby's face and head again. Woman again inter- 
feres and Peter dabs the brush upon her face. While she is 
stamping around, Peter lathers the other baby. Woman 
comes to interfere and Peter dabs the brush on her face again. 
The Woman seizes the razor, and prepares to attack Peter.] 

Peter. Ah, that's your game is it ? Well I've got one my- 
self! \Produces razor from his pocket, and chases Woman 
arouna stage, catches her, and throws her out of window — 
glass crash. Busby rushes iftfrom L. i E. Peter seizes him 
and throws him out of the window also. Then he flings the 
babies out through window — and with lather brush, stands R. 
of window and lathers faces ^/Bnsby ^«^ Woman who peer 
in and try to re-enter through the broken window. Work 
finale quick and with much confusion^ 

CURTAIN. 



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